Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Story Treatments

Story Treatment #1

Jerry Monitor, the new substitute teacher for Mrs. Johnson’s class, is writing on the whiteboard. “Today’s the Career Fair, students. You can find out all about your dream job!” he says.

Rachel sarcastically remarks to her friend, Nina, “Dream job, huh? What are we, five?”

Rachel then notices that a tail appears to have popped out of Mr. Monitor’s pants. Mr. Monitor quickly pokes his tail back into his pants and begins to introduce himself.

Rachel leans in to Nina and asks, “Have you ever noticed anything odd about our new sub?” Nina doesn’t understand what she means.

Suddenly, a tongue strikes out of nowhere and grabs a student’s cell phone from out of his hand. The tongue retracts into Jerry’s mouth as Jerry cheerfully warns the student that he doesn’t allow cell phones in his class.

Another student raises his arm and asks what’s wrong with Jerry’s hand. Jerry looks at his hand and notices it’s shedding. As he frantically shakes his hand to be rid of the sheddings, Jerry informs the student this whole issue will be covered in the upcoming Human Growth and Development class.

The bell rings and class is over. Jerry quickly guides the students out of class so they’ll stop asking so many questions.

After all the students leave, Rachel approaches Jerry, who asks if there’s something wrong.

Rachel asks point blank, “Are you a giant lizard?”

Jerry laughs the question off and tells her that’s crazy. He’s as human as she is. A paper airplane then enters from off screen and hits Jerry’s wig. The wig falls off, revealing Jerry’s reptilian head.

With his fragile facade gone, Jerry freaks out and immediately reveals everything. He tells Rachel that he was born a giant, sentient talking lizard, which ostracized him from his lizard family. All he could do was buck up and pursue his love of education. It was his dream. Doesn’t she know what it’s like to have a dream?

Rachel remembers back to when she was younger and how her dream of becoming a Jedi was crushed. With steely determination Rachel tells Jerry she will help him become the best danged substitute teacher ever. Jerry is overjoyed and gives her a giant box of stickers. “First things first, stickers don’t work on 6th graders. Thank you though,” she lectures kindly.

As Rachel leaves the classroom, Jerry picks himself up and leans against the chalkboard. “Yeah, I’m gonna make it after all,” he says, unaware of all the vicious insults written on the chalkboard behind him.

Additional Treatments

Story Treatment #2

Jerry is meeting with the science teacher, Miss Elizabeth Rosalind. Elizabeth is going out of town on a research trip and Jerry has been tapped to take over her class for a week.

Jerry looks outside the door window and spies Rachel. She gives him a thumbs up. Jerry gives her a thumbs up just as Elizabeth begins outlining next week’s lesson plan. Elizabeth has something of a crush on Jerry, so her talk is a little disjointed and uneven. She doesn’t know he’s a lizard.

As Miss Rosalind talks, Jerry spies the class iguana, Deborah. Jerry finds Deborah very, very attractive, as he is still a 6-foot lizard.

Jerry asks if he can meet Deborah? Elizabeth obliges and introduces him to her.

As Jerry admires Deborah and talks to her like she’s a normal human being, Elizabeth’s pet snake, Slithers, begins talking to him. “Hey pal, stay away from her. You’ve made your choice, you’re with the humans now!”

Jerry tries to ignore Slithers’ taunts, but the snake becomes so enraged he escapes from his cage and attacks Jerry. As Jerry struggles to escape Slithers’ clutches, Elizabeth waves frozen dead mice in front of Slithers’ face. Slithers is distracted and she is able to get him back into his cage.

Jerry apologizes for what happened, while Miss Rosalind insists it was nobody’s fault.

A few minutes later Jerry leaves the classroom and Rachel asks what happened. Jerry says that he has no idea but he thinks he has a date with Deborah the iguana.

Story Treatment #3

Rachel is trying to get her math assignment done during her lunch break in Jerry’s classroom. She asks him to help her with problem twenty-five of her math assignment. Jerry struggles and struggles but can’t seem to explain it to her in a satisfactory manner. He begins to doubt his teaching abilities.

Wracked with panic, Jerry decides to try new teaching personas in hopes one will catch on.

First he tries super-strict. Jerry smashes a ruler on Rachel’s desk and demands Rachel answer the question right away. Unfortunately he ends up breaking the ruler. “Oh, they make me pay for these things!” he whines. “Ow, ow, I got a splinter!”

Jerry then decides to try being a hands-on teacher by doing the homework for her. “Hey, how do you answer problem twenty-five?” Jerry asks Rachel. “I don’t know, that’s why I asked you,” she replies. Jerry slaps his forehand in frustration, dangit!

How about humor? Jerry does impressions of public figures to help explain math but Rachel has no idea who he’s imitating. “I’m doing Robert Mitchum. Everybody knows who Robert Mitchum is!” Jerry argues.

Jerry tries apathetic (“Like all the other teachers in school,” Rachel interjects), as he just sits in his desk chair and reads “Us Weekly.” After mere moments Jerry cracks and demands Rachel tell him what she’s doing.

At his most desperate Jerry tries being a terrible teacher. “What if I just give you the answer from the answer key?” he pleads with Rachel

“How is that supposed to help?” she asks.


Jerry gives up. “Oh, my career is over. I’ve failed as an animal and now I’ve failed as a teacher too.”

Something occurs to Rachel. “Too? Two! That’s it, I forgot to carry the two! Thanks, Teach.”

Jerry is astonished. I helped? Rachel insists he did.

“What a glorious moment! My faith in myself and the goddess named Education has been restored!” Jerry sings to the heavens.

Rachel nudges Jerry. “Hey, can you help me with problem twenty-six?”

“Uh… carry the two?”

“Ah! There we go.”

Jerry smiles to himself. Yeah, I got this.

Story Treatment #4

Haldeman stands near the copier in the teachers’ break room, feeling miserable for himself. Principal Davis enters and asks him to make copies for the PTA flyer. “Why do I have to make copies?” he whines.

Because you’re standing next to the copier, Principal Davis replies.

Grumbling, Haldeman tries to make copies but the copier is malfunctioning. He begins to kick it, while Jerry enters and sees his frustration. He cheerfully suggests Haldeman turn the copier off and then back on. Always works for him.

“That never works!” replies Haldeman as opens the copier and tries to fix it from the inside. The copier comes alive and squirts him with a seemingly endless supply of ink. The copier then electrocutes him.

Haldmen lies on the floor, occasionally twitching.

“I think we should try turning it on and off,” says Jerry.

“That won’t work,” says Haldeman, unable to move anything but his mouth.

“It’s worth a shot.”

“No, it’s not.”

“It’s just-“


“I think.”


Long pause.

“I’m going to turn it on and off, if you don’t mind.”

Jerry turns the copier on and off and it begins to print copies of the flyer. Hey, it works, says Jerry. We make a great team.

Principal Davis enters and finds a perfect stack of copies. “Thanks a lot, Jerry.”

“Oh, it wasn’t me, Principal Davis, Haldeman was on it. He did a great job!”

“My mistake. Thank you Richard, you really are a team player.” Principal Davis grabs the copies and leaves.

Jerry leans in to elbow Haldeman. “See, I got you back on Davis’s good side. She’s gonna come to you for everything now!”

“Fantastic,” says Haldeman, wishing God would kill him.

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